Accepting the love isn’t as easy as it may seem

In the wrong place, at the wrong time, in a pub downtown, you meet him accidentally. Your friend introduces the two of you and the night begins. Too many shots already in, you are nervous because of the crowd and the upbeat music because you are more relaxed with the comfort of your humble apartment, a vibrator in hand and a bottle of wine beside you.

You feel like seeing someone at this time is dealing with formalities, it is a hassle. But since your friend is in town and the city, which needs exploring, is new to you, you decide to change into your favorite outfit; jeans which compliment your curves and a modest turtle neck, all black. Drunk and hopeless, you find your way to the dance floor. You know you have never been confident with dancing while you are sober, but you are drunk and you don’t care.

Amidst tipsy clubbers, swaying with the mellow beat, engulfed in the neon lights, you see him dancing next to you. Not the type to catch your attention, the composed yet expressive, Chelsea boots-wearing, make you writhe in bed and suffer in life type, he is kind of cute, especially the way he moves.

You realize that you don’t see anyone around you anymore, it is just you and him now. With the music slowly fading, you catch his stare and he comes closer, moving in and grabbing your waist gently. His hands feel warm and nice. You feel a spark down from where he placed his hand on your waist, down all the way ‘’there’’. He slowly leans in, your eyes close in synchrony, and kisses you. You forget your insecurities, the loud music and the fact that you came here to see your friend, you kiss him back. Everything is in perfect harmony right there and then.

The next meetups are intentional, you want to see him. You grab a few drinks at a less crowded pub. You prefer pubs when they are almost deserted and make you feel important while you are there. He walks in and sits beside. You are not good at making conversation and you hide it with too many rounds of vodka. He is still attentive and apologizes for being too intrusive the other night.

You start to develop a longing for him, seeing him every other day in empty diners and quiet places. He respects your love for solitude and you understand him. He tells you that you are one of a kind and even gets you tickets to your favorite concert you planned on going alone. You don’t care because you are drunk and attracted to him. Secretly, you are tired of the solitude.

Past experiences make you question the present, you wonder if he is going to ruin you in the future, so you are hesitant yet again. You avoid every attempt he makes to strengthen this bond, like introducing you to his family, yet you sit around and fabricate love stories with happy endings with him. Deep down you know that he might be the one you have been searching for yet you cannot accept his love.

Do you know why? Because you are not ready.